he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
my poor anus
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
