I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
