True but thats because hes a fetus.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
