Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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