I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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