The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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