i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
