Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
