Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
