Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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