I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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