I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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