You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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