Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
