Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
