Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
