There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
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I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
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How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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