i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
try to milk me bitch
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