I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
