I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Randomize
