dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
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There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
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All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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