There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just blew my weed a kiss
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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