After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
my shit smells like andre
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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