i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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