the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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