Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize