I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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