JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
