Soap is not a condiment
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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