How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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