I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
