That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
