So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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