a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My vagina is officially offended.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
