Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
