oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
