i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
