You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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