She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
