If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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