I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
