First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
