My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Your cock deserves a montage
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
