does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
