Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
