I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
