she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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