I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
