The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Randomize
