Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize