the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
