"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
you never un-have a 4some
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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