Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
this will be a night to untag.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
