I wish life had little blips of pornography
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
